Never thought it would happen, but it has. It has been coming on for some time, but I can’t say what triggered it, or when it started exactly. All I know is this morning, I went to put some board pens in a classroom for one of our teachers and I was suddenly and unexpectedly gripped by a cold dread – it started somewhere behind my solar plexus and spread across my chest and down my spine like ice and ended in a sharp intake of breath and a pricking behind me eyes. The thought of standing up there, inadequacies exposed; with expectant students in front of me; pen in hand, poised and ready, made me reel.
All this took a split second because I knew I wasn’t going to be teaching at all – I was merely doing my “Wonderful DOS” impression and preparing the classrooms for my teachers. The relief that sluiced through me when I remembered this was overwhelming, and nearly made me cry again. “Thank you, God, thank you, God,” I whispered. “Thank you for letting there be other teachers who can do this for me today.”
What’s happened? Why do I feel like this? Maybe I’ve just had enough: 30 years is long time to give and give and give and merely move from A to B and back again while all your students move on to C and probably D, E and F. Maybe my “teacher impression script” has worn thin and the fear of being revealed as a fraud has become all too real. Maybe what I know is not enough any more.
Maybe all of the above……but what I do know is, I cannnot stand, inadequacies exposed, in classroom in front of expectant students. Nor will I be able to for some time to come.